yesterday was momentous.a lot happened that surprised me,strenghtened my faith and showed me the seat of god/
preeti one of the few spartan women i know,got engaged.she was looking very beautiful.i havent seen beauty like that in a long time.the other spartan women are from the same family.i got drunk with her delight.very
when people marry/its no longer about tom and harry/nor is it about that unnamed prurience/those things now/will be spoken of in past tense/lets celebrate now/though/as vicarious joys/those marbles and ponies/of girls and boys
then in the afternoon i got a peep.bambi da and bala showed me where god lives.newton and einstein/theory of relativity and the laws of motion.i never thought i'll ever regret my loathing for exactitude,a discipline in imagination.but man the earth we live on and the nature we live within is the most beauteous whole.no energy lost.things she does is all for all of us and we still want to capture the radiance of a thousand suns in a desert.destroyer of the worlds you are not,and nor are you a child gathering posies for the baptism of its pet ant.maaafaaakaaaa
i have decided im going to try and understand and respect.my atheism or casual faith are both supercilious and stupid.
but i have objections and they were confirmed.einstein was looking for that one theory of all theories that would explain everything.he didnt succeed,the rest didnt either and we are made to read the pretzel chronicles of neurotic bakers.in the sense we learn of answering faith with science.bambi da said there is a lot we do now that nature didnt want us to.she did all that for us not as ego but as nurture/sounds platitudinous.but seems true to me
so we are looking for the first cause,we have been able to explain all away,the mystery of this sphinx,but the secret of fire still escapes us]
st augustine---god is the first cause
baruch spinoza----is one sole and infinite substance of which extension and thought are attributes and individual beings are changing forms
bless this evanescence with humility
i love you 9.8m/sec sq.

it was a naked afternoon
when i slept
with a narrow slit in my eyes
she saw me to wonder
such a narrow passage for your dreams
i did not wake when she was here
she left a note by my pillow
thats how i know she was here
i had kept my eyes closed
and walked to another emerald isle
maybe she could come with me
but i called her a cab
she measures distances by hand
while i dream of four minute miles
i revel in myself
of walking on water
and healing by touch
of feeding the starved with mandrake plants
as a mystic with a cubist church
she paints with her feet
and feeds pigeons in a graveyard
she sleeps in the open on cold nights
and feels the warmth of distant stars
how does faith love a heresiarch
with the narrow slit in my eyes
ive seen her dancing on the bridge of sighs

stuck as a feather to the window grille
you helpless traveler on a windless tropic
a white cloud alone in an endless sky
separated from the flock at a time of play

laugh and laugh ancient mariner
desolation is not of this earth alone

you will become a ghost so it transpires
is there a one you wanted to know
when youd read of love but felt much more

who speaks to you of brazen fiends
who tells you theres no gold on mars
you think your love will become
a bloody white rag in a time of war

now where you neatly keep your folded clothes
an eyeless moth lives beneath the heap
when you undress it catches a smell
of that body which from a touch you keep

but you don’t want to suffer a glance
you prick out its eyes with an iron pin
the blind moth now wonders hard/what it is it hasn’t seen

you should wear gladioli in your hair
and grip the sword with both hands
if caesar wants you to fight to be free
say with pride/say ‘death to me’

of course youll have sand in your hands
youve traveled thirsty youve been to the sea
at your feet pebbles/but you only stood on the shore

i’ll stand explained
with retrospective clarity
captured in a thesis
and an anti-thesis
between being and becoming
lost in a labyrinth
without a thread
i write as paean
all to myself
the maze im lost in
theres been noone here but me

sent to replenish rations which mashi's awol finds depleted
early morning life in jodhpur bazar.milk--check,loaf of bread--check,offering to the lord--check
outside the bazar saw a signal to abandon.ya a scooter.but thats not important.it was a lime green scooter,standing in daylight with the frank candour of a faaking heretic
the security alert code of the day is,yes lime green
the terrorizers can write almanacs/the boys sip molotov cocktails and sleep with the fishes
lord give us our daily spade,we dig six feet
the time comes but it comes when we must meet
the propaganda declaims but does not tell
will we get to meet if its hell
i offer you this marasmus
a chocolate wrapper washed in rain
will you lower your eyes/or blink even once
when you learn my faith was bare
believe me my anger is also only a prayer

i walk through this city
with a presentiment of accident
glossed over in florid detail
by sombre scribes sculpting with cement

but here and again
it is a specious argument
over the length of rope
when upon the edge of fields fetid excrement
and other putrid human insolences
their cleanliness contests the price of soap

its blanket doesnt cover the feet of my city
the crows in a murder exclaim oh what a pity

sic semper tyrannis

i love better now
ive learnt to hurt
bluebirds like my love
are set free
on a landless earth

i can tear my flesh
with my nails or yours
ive conquered another
tied her to my feet
i drink her blood

i keep falling
into a still sea
there is a tyranny of love
if once i escape it
it can never catch me

fairest is that fair thing
yet the guard was felled by a hairpin
i too have done battle without armour
was brought to my knees
by the vulnerability of a charmer
all that can be broken
between the finger and the thumb
is always glass
with a scent of water in her blood

she laughed/said
makes no sense to me
what you write
there is no sense in words
troy came to grief
because helen was beautiful

jama masjid

on a sunday in delhi we went to jama masjid/
meena bazaar/karim's/daryaganj/
i was awed by the mosque,a teeming concourse of faith
the red fort was at a small distance on the left
we passed khooni darwaza on our way from jnu/
nidhi had been to the masjid before,so had abhirup,i kept my eyes wide open in amazement
we did not have to take our shoes off/you just carried it inside with you and then keep them on their sides along the walls
it was the first time i had been inside a masjid/there were pigeons/it seemed thousands of them and probably/those who had finished offering their prayers were feeding these pigeons/children would come running and scare the birds off whod inscribe a circle in the air and come back again to the grains/
everytime they kneel down to pray
silence spreads like a wave
and breaks at the altar
with a hope of benediction
everytime when they rise
they set a thousand pigeons flying
beautiful is the whispered word
that has asked for deliverance

orestes

what are these days
these deaths,these wilted flowers
these hatreds,this disgust,these revulsions
derided and desecrated/this debris of misplaced passions.betrayals
we drank wine and had bread
we drank blood and shared flesh
what is this eucharist/this thanksgiving/for thirty pieces of silver/comes the quisling kiss of judas/the barter of faith
i live in these times

sure,
we can break up
in an hour if you so wish
it would in all
be a little more difficult than waking up
this the sleep of a romantic dream
we could like warring parties
now in peace(because the tumult is over)
engage in a mutual restoration of pride
or if the ego is too badly mauled
we could turn away and hide
there is a smart solution
we can forget about everything
it will take time but we will be able soon
to match times insouciance with our forgetting of the afternoons
we could break up
if you are not happy
yes go ahead
change this leaking nappy
dont vacillate between will I or wont I
we are one but also with an unmistakable certainty
we both can claim that I am mine
you are yours, and I am mine
so once you serve the notice
i too will fall in line
all of this will take very little time
almost erotic
this snap solution
it abuses violently all the time before
yet if you wear black at my hanging
i promise you I will forget the orange you wore
so like small children in a cold country
lets roll all this time into one snowball
and hurl it at each other
and then run back to our mothers
yes,sure
we can break up if you want
it will take just an hour

i have to tell the rebel on the bridge of sighs that the war in kashmir is a proxy war/
ive been thumbed down by junkie hikers enough
marie and pierre went on the tour de france for their honeymoon.they were physicists
or nuclear scientists,or chemist and druggist.immaterial
all of the land surface was one before/it was called pangea/it wasn’t much worth fighting for
harry potter loves a chinese girl.she lets him down eventually.the influence of media in reinforcing cultural stereotypes.hearsay
oh today is rath.the juggernaut mob frenzy/juggernaut is pagan.what god fearing people will worship a limbless god/juggernaut rabblejerk
but rath was a legitimate excuse.nothing is now
the maverick on the bridge of sighs/knows the use of weapons/and will use if provoked
no prisoner of conscience should ask for a calender/
infundibulum
these days narrow
as the mouth of funnels
into the routineness of a science experiment
but every science leads credence to voids,says
there is love amongst androids
we live in the future
as we live now
would peter pan sue glaxosmithklinebeecham and/or Heinz
naivete is a virtue of hyenas/

long hours spent in extending dubious enfranchisements to laconic patrons who say(very little)and take me too seriously.
their verdict.burial in a swamp after a long and consistent crucifixion.we're all hemingway christs
you are being watched
every move,in your caper
under cherry blossoms
its a lie
to think we'll be sitting
in the upper house
on the day of the lords choosing
if youve stabbed
then lick the blood
the fault dear brutus
lies in us
that we are
born of a vagrant lust
the papers said
how the bombs failed
that’s how it is
to err is human

between the devil and the deep blue sea.the rains were much better.i didn’t complain so much.but god this heat.the tissue and the skin are getting mixed in a bilious uneasiness of sweat,nausea and despondency.the despondency’s mine,not really connected to the heat.but it does dovetail nicely with the climate.
snake charmers are lulled to sleep
in this scorched torpor
blessed are those who live in shadows
blessed those who die in peace
been watching quite a lot of movies lately.this time shrek 3 and crash.good movies both of them.no not really.not really shrek.crash though has probably lacerated the smooth smug kosher surface egalitarianism of our american cousins
noah did not know
about the other animals
no one told him
and
peter denied any knowledge
of the key
in physics,there is a chapter on light and mirrors.a demonstration I remember was when an object is placed between two mirrors.it is a reflection of a reflection of an ad infinitum.
i feel the same way.
that I stay between
two mirrors

football.played so much today,had a mild temperature when i got back.insane.
but play i did.after a long long time.
the exams becoming a worry that i find increasingly hard to overlook or ignore.its ticking away
there are bones that the dog refused
these are days of ascetic rigour
its always delusion then disabuse
when the outcome is a paltry figure
oh yesterday,man,i saw a film id seen almost a decade back,and did not forget.brilliant
an imperial hero, a child,a king,sliding down a rainbow,and a petal holding a teardrop,delicately sings
shokhi bhaabona kahare bole
shokhi bedona kahare bole
there was a time we didnt speak in ellipses.we completed our thoughts,in words,in actions
like when humpty dumpty fell off a wall,and we'd throw our arms about to gesticulate the distress of an egg in a world of hard surfaces
now humpty dumpty may fall off walls and.......
okay that was oversmart(but couldnt resist no)
how can you say kiss
and how can i open my pursed lips
how can you say speak
if you do not say speak pig
but yes
weve lived in those times too
when our lessons rhymed
youd asked me to draw you a rose
and id scribbled in your copy
from side to side

reen

in the name of the father
who left his village for a living in the city
who carried me on his shoulder
when the streets were flooded
who carried me
whenever i said my legs pain
he fought for the vanquished in waterloo
and now prepares his exile
he will love me

in the name of my friend
whos left everything to me
she takes my hand
she walks with me
she walks slower than the rest
because she is taller than me
she loves me and will love me still

in the name of my mother
who offers my faults as her own
and holds a morsel to my mouth
who gave her womb that i could live
and she hadnt seen me
she has eyes where
the soul heaves a mortal beat
i love her

to other

last night had a very acerbic and incendiary argument with the tigress on gender and feminism
full of an invective of violation and the angst of being 'sublated'

'humanity is male and man defines woman not in herself but as relative to him;she is not regarded as an autonomous being........He is the subject,he is the Absolute--she is the Other'------Simone de Beauvoir

to__________as the dishonoured heir
of adam's multiplying world
as a sufferer too
and a traveller in time
as a partaker of his crime

to__________as the first womb
of motion
in the forward flow of time
the first word for untrained tongues
as pieta,the redeemer of a penitent christ

veni vidi vietnam

today is an unremarkable silent day
full of the dumbness of confused anxieties
what can be said,can be better seen
it is understandable therefore that theres very little feeling
of purpose or object, and love, tenderness, happiness etc
very little sense in things too, im forced to add
otherwise this will read like
a weeping space for woody allen
in the land of giraffes, (very neurotic gaffe)
the rational principles of existence have to be rethought
weve got to work more on the escape velocity
saw anand last night,very casually,I wanted to be involved,but was sincerely unable to
very blasé I was
a first proof,ive seen medusa with my eyes
there is a remedy,I know,there always is(he touched her with his feet,and she was beautiful again)
but if that does not happen,then
in the not too distant future
in one of my inescapable reincarnations as bodhisattva
I’ll be born a lemon
In a family of confectioners
If I don’t attend art of living,or some such casuist thing I’ll be condemned to horrible deaths of neglect and lovelessness
On rainy days
The leeches eat
The human meat
Is also prey

to kunal

in the morning im asked to
match my tyranny to my will
and not dance at all
at night a day has ended
that the morning had shown
and i havent danced at all
in such scant measures
the days pass
in a meagre rhythym
i havent found my feet
yet yesterday
under the northern lights
for once it was night
but never dark
open eyed i remembered
the bourbons of france
in their palace of versailles
went to sleep
with a fervent prayer
oh lord may we dance

dodger

in the bazaar stands
a seller of aphrodisiacs
a personable doctor of love
standing all day in the human throng
his clientele comes from below and some from above
our friend is a listener
a counsel of intimate hazards
of inarticulate desire
the truest mate
and that is how each day ends
he stood all day in the centre of a circle
and pulled hard evey way
at home at night hes torn by pain
and the only salve he has
makes it all come back again

4 in the morning

my memories are
of dead children
that did not grow up
to the recriminations of age

emon bondhu aar ke

of consecrated love
a second spring
of consummated love
a second coming
of constant love
a sister is a gentle thing

lemmings

i'll run out into the city
and die on the streets
on my knees i'll beg reprieve
wash my hair with the grease
in this arid undulating plain
i'll find a cliff
and sit with my feet
dangling from the brink
i'll drink from the gutters
and write on its walls
the story of my faith
an epitaph in careless metre
i'll join the chorus that sings
requiems for all passing things
i'll walk with the funereal band
that ignores the road its on
i'll love a necromancer
and be loved when im gone

mizoram is where the sun rose

its time now to be talking about sunny days
the rain didnt impede much today.the four of us went out,watched a movie,had momos,got crazy in the water,played 29 etc etc
we took to the streets like ducks to water
oceans 13 is such a joyful watch.brilliant movie,suave cast
today the grand plan though is to study,which i shall do earnestly and sincerely(lord hear our prayer)
marianne is the angel of redemption.i am hopeful about the exam

nao saraiya de

this marshland
my home
does it have fish
and other creatures of the deep
i know,no
people wake up
tired
they’ve been swimming with tadpoles
in their sleep
weve been prisoners in a mermaids dream
these rivers
these roads
do they have boats and ships
i know,no
these rivers of dead leaves
don’t flow into the sea

dampness

the state of yesterday still persists
and i keep asking with the imploring persistence of children when will the rain stop
and the casual answer,oh right now,or tomorrow
in 100 years of solitude,the rain in macondo goes on for four years,some weeks some days
i was telling nidhi now it feels like im never going to see her anymore
that the water will climb up to our floor and drown us while we're asleep at night
baba was home the entire day.spent time just both of us being around each other
nidhi says we too are playing out the curse of the buendias,the trick of a guileful time that appears to move forward in a straight line when it really is going round and round
came back home today from athees to a full house,or at least coming back to the three of them to fulfil a design
ma baba dholu,and me
in about a month food will be consumed cold
clothes will lie in a worn,musty heap
i will drink water that an inverted umbrella will hold
home will be just a bed to sleep

meghnad badh rachana

whats with the weather ya.what i had welcomed once has become a frankenstein,a gnawing tearing depression
makes me feel suicidal when alone,but then theres me homies and playaz and i dont feel that bad anymore
arka came over in the afternoon.arka means the sun,brought me none,sadly
so did kunal,athena and azeem(in that order)
a faint sliver of hope for a dreary day
kunal and i went on a cycling trip to mashi.tour de trance
who mashi---the most important relationship in calcuttas youth consciousness
but jesus son of mary
and mashi mother of hari,what a cycle is haripada's(the mashi in question is my mashi).the handlebars inclined,the pedals broken,the brakes dont stick
felt like the last action hero riding it
we resurrected further memories from the play.snaps,videos and audio clips et al.diverse alarums
what a bond they share
the clouds and the moon
every morning the sun is blotted out,wet and cold
and every night the moon
is cajoled out in a sequined sky
what a time to be alive,and to be young very leaden
the heretic,the apostate,the convert
praised the devil and damned the lord
a god that is spoken of in lore
as retributive as punitive
brings us floods,and after him the deluge
the pupil that was the diminutive
favours our joys and protests our woes
the scriptures talk of a ghastly guilt
warns of a rain to wash this sin
he too was the salt of the earth
whom the gods felled to save the queen

the king of portugal

its late to be writing this.prophetically apt thing to say
but kunal and then srinanda,minstrels of intimate circles sing a dirge
kunal a martyr of love
a dismembered self torn to bits by the houdinis that fate destiny and other remorseless gods make of us
kunal with hands still warm with his own blood will ask
et tu brute
hes been reading julius caeser a lot
training in this is hard.really
ive seen them leave
one by one
i will follow
each.to an equal day and equal night in the antipodes,the opposite end
the thing to become is astronomers and look for life outside the milky way,outside ursa minor,a restaurant,for real,at the end of the universe,to confirm the hypothesis that there is nowhere that people have not been to before

to do

this blog things still very new to me
i am filled with this sense of profundity
god
i shouldve gone to howrah today,seen calcuttas towering severe iron breasts,drawing natives from the hinterland to wild dreams of plenty
the weather still reflects the mood of orphans,
the behaviour of lemurs should be studied(this is an aside)
among the things to do is
studies in general
less of mind bending and/or expansion
look for that job to be in delhi
this might in the days to come become the diary of a struggle
in delhi a girl i know
draped herself red and pierced her nose
shed swim at night and tell me
forget the day
ive seen apollo tied to the rock
she calls me now
to where she pirouttes
along the boulevards,and on the streets
she beseeches a longing in me
to see her blossom in an arabesque