lines

but you want
a smaller space
a box an oyster a cage
not immortality but an age
no great lenghts but rest
no direction but ways
neither was
the beginning yours
nor the end
you wanted time
but not the wait
all things are endless
answers and questions

soberness and desperation
poles of my existence
helen and cleopatra
beckon from either end
and me in doldrums
there is no halfway
and attraction is
always dangerous
i seep in the drunkenness
that pervades creation
close my eyes
wish it was over soon


the idea as received and accepted was that there will be a lot of scribbling, but id never thought that it could also mean painting estella nude. estella who, you might ask. estella the heartbreaker id say. but thats too vague. because even if you knew who exactly it would be automatic to pretend you didnt. frankly although id thought of her much it was only in thoughts secret even to myself. and then i saw how she could just come in, doff her clothes and demand to be painted naked. of course what im saying seems to follow a script. it does. but who is acting it out. and, does the ocean know when it's raining on it. youd say to rein in estella cast don juan opposite her. look at the irony of the situation, two supremely suffering human beings brought together to make each other suffer. that is emabarrassing. no wonder we claim never to have met her estella.