cocktail

for ages burying it
buried and rising
from the ground
like from the blood
of some mythological demon
sprang armies of dust
waving scimitars
nothing will end my fears
no angels appear
only a mirage
the sky snaps
at the horizon
and is a gaping hole
mocking my soul
with wonder that
i have my head
buried in the ground
my mind should have
really been a sparkler
burning down to the handle
in bright red
blue gold silver
orange flakes
over in a minute
and no further
joyous lights
in my fingers
waving dancing
wilder and wilder
till it burned down
and she lit another
i come from the ground
i of the sky
the air the water
i am mixed in this weather
i of the elements
i rise every morning



i wasnt drinking yet, that puja, nor smoking nor smoking. and yet there i was at the epicentre. but i had seen her that night and i remember. she, they, went off clubbing and pat brought down the door, they brought down the house, we thought pat was dying and tried calling a doctor. but all we got was an elder sister. and i had eyes only for you. my early love is by now an admission of guilt, what she hadnt known then and now only suspects. if i am forced i will recall her black linen trousers and her pinkish, sequined strappy number. oh i havent seen you in those clothes it has been such a long time, but i never think how much longer i have. i have already died and im not even suicidal. from my youngest years that has been the case. i have fought tears and have never been able to leave the fight